Dissecting A Horrible Sales Prospecting Email
I went through a fun exercise with the AG team today. I forwarded the prospecting email below that I had received and asked them to very simply to identify the three things that they felt would bother me the most about it. Specifically, the three things they thought made me close this email before even finishing the first sentence. 
The actual email in question is below with all identifiable words and contact information removed. This is the actual format. Below the email you’ll see the actual responses from my team as to what they felt was lacking in this email. This is a raw feed and we are not a very stuffy company so if you are easily offended by off color corporate communication please don’t read on :)
In all seriousness, AG BDR’s, Directors, Managers, and Sales People are world class teleprospectors and they take emailing a prospect seriously. They know that email is a tool that, if used properly, can dramatically increase your hit rate for fully qualified opportunities.
Have a read through the subject email and our teams’ responses. You’ll get some great pointers on what not to do in an email from people who know their stuff. You may also get a quick chuckle.
Here is the letter:
September 28, 2023
Peter Gracey
President
AG Salesworks
661 Pleasant St Ste 600
Norwood,MA 02062-4670
Dear Peter:
I’d like to arrange some time to speak with you about my software company XXXXXXX. Specifically, I’d like to show you our web-based XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX tools. Our tools are easy-to-use, easy-to-manage and truly cost-effective. They work with all web browsers, the iPhone and Android smartphones.
Our expense reports integrate flawlessly with many systems, including XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX), XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXXXX, and XXXXXXX. Other systems are also supported. System setup for a business usually takes minutes, rarely hours and never days.
XXXXXXX’s yyyyyyy reporting tools allow sales teams, or anyone, to create an xxxxxxxxx report in roughly half the time required now. The interface is simple. It is fully configurable with colors, logos and supports PDFs creation with no additional software. At $10-$15 per person per month (and for larger companies even less), it can pay for itself in the first month. Our iPhone and Android App makes it very simple for xxxx teams to enter xxxxxx while on the road, meaning more time for xxxxxx and less time on administration. xxxxxxxxxxx is just as easy.
Those completing xxxxxxxxxxx rave about our ease-of-use. The same is true for those providing the approval and doing xxxxxxxxxxx. Please review our website, read the laudatory comments, see first-hand the power of a specialized tool for a critical part of the business process – xxxxxxx.
Please let us know a DATE and TIME that works for you for a telephone conference call and web-ex style presentation.
Sincerely,
I will let my teams responses to my questions speak for themselves. Needless to say we all had major issues with it. Here are some of the responses:
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He didn't ask a single question about AG and what we might use. He didn't ask if you were the right person to speak with. He didn't ask if we had any pains with our current system and just product dumped his life away.
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1. Subject line blows
2. Product dumping
3. No call to action
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Way too long
You don't know him
He never called you
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Where to start?
It starts with dear.
It's incredibly too long.
It product dumps.
It looks like a generic mass mail.
It has no personality.
It capitalizes DATE and TIME
It ends with sincerely.
It's a bad attempt at a cold email.
And so much more.
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It is a form letter
he did not take the time to gather your correct title
it is a dump of information that is not relevant to the business
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By putting your info in the introduction, he is just confirming he has pulled your info off of a website. He has not put any effort into figuring out what it is you need or currently use (instead just lists everything his product is compatible with. In other words hasn't qualified you at all before he tries to set up a meeting.
And by saying "in case this reached you in error" he reinforces he has no idea who he is sending it to.
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Product dumping, length, too salesy ("see first-hand the power of a specialized tool for a critical part of the business process – expenses.")
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First: the Subject line: you have never had a conference call with him so why would you look at the email in the first place.
second: Product dumping. to much information he is trying to throw enough shit against the wall to see if something sticks.
third: the closing sentence. Putting those two words DATE AND TIME in all caps is email yelling. it is rude and condescending...
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way too much of a product drop.
it was really hard to read, really boring, really heavy, too much information
he didn't even mention your current situation or ask about your current set up/pains in any way
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1. Led with your contact information. Very off putting.
2. Spent the 1st 2 paragraphs talking about his company and never mentioning what he can do for you and why you would benefit from this call.
3. Put date and time in caps at the bottom of the email. Somewhat insulting as it makes him look almost impatient and annoyed.
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1) Product dumping
2) Stupid/bad grammar
3)...he's never called you before?
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Here's my best guess:
He word-dumped you...the length and structure of the email coupled with the acronyms and industry terms of art that he's using make it seem like a chore to read on a first glance.
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1. way to long/bad grammar
2. does not want to qualify you, just wants to set up a web demo.
3. product dumping
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This email displays textbook product dumping - there is way too much detail about this software. It immediately jumps into talking about his software and does not attempt to start a discussion about your needs. There is no compelling pain that he touched on as well. His tone is a bit too bold and not conversational - he does not even introduce himself (considering he never reached out to you before). Also capitalizing the DATE and TIME probably rubs most people the wrong way.
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1. Too much product dumping for the first email
2. Didn't even say how it would apply to your business or how it would be relevant
3. It is not relevant! He clearly did no research before sending it to you. He should have said that he wants to get an understanding of how we handle these issues and give a pitch about what they do.
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I had to read it 3 times because I fell asleep twice.
The subject title having Sales probably caused it to get spammed.
Too long for an intro email.
1st sentence ;I’d like to arrange some time to speak with you about my software company xxxxxx. Doesn't seem to care about you or the company.
Lots of features and functions. Again doesn't know anything about us yet.
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1. It's a complete sales pitch before he even knows whether or not your qualified, you may not even own an iPhone or Android...it should be an infomercial not an email!
2. It loses your attention about a sentence in because it's just spitting unnecessary info at you, and you never requested this much information since he had never contacted you or been in touch before. It's not a follow up, no one wants to read that much about something they don't care about
3. It's way more than an introduction, and it gives you most of the information that you probably need, therefore there's no need for a conference call
4. The structure of it is awful and annoying to read!!!
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1) It's way too long
2) If he has not or does not say he is planning on calling you, its clearly spam (same goes for the address in the header
3) Uses I/Our too much, doesn't address it from customer point of view
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-- Too long, I didn't even read the whole thing, too technical for me too, but maybe not for a tech-savvy guy like yourself.
-- No phone call. Sweet introduction.
-- pdf attachment. Don't know what it is but I'm not opening it.
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1. First sentence asks for your time, without telling you anything/sparking your interest in any way or introducing himself.
2. Way too much product dumping for a first email, it's too long!!
3. The last sentence asking for a DATE and TIME in all caps has got to push you off, way too aggressive - too demanding.
There's a lot of other things wrong with it too, like the fact that he changes from "I would like.." to "Please let us know..." plus he's asking you to do so much work, like "review our website and read the comments, ect, ect." NO THANKS.
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That email was FUNNY. My 3 guesses:
1. WAY too long
2. Too much product-dumping and name-dropping
3. Conference call and web presentation without even speaking to you and seeing if you're qualified/interested?!? Eeek.
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1) Subject line/next step request: it's too soon to assume your business is even a fit for them and you should even sit through a conference call/webex without an initial conversation.
2) 1st sentence: This dude starts the email off by telling you he wants your time to talk about his solution. The rest of the email pretty much follows suit to the 1st sentence.
3) Too long: He totally lost me in the 2nd paragraph. The longest the initial email should be is the length of his first and last paragraph.
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There are many things wrong with this:
-Too long and filled with too much info, especially 2nd paragraph
-He is asking for a 30-60 minute block of time instead of 5 minutes to qualify
-DATE and TIME and poor grammar/sentence construction
-What department is he looking to speak with?
-Takes too long to state how it will save you money and time
We should call about our services/training...lol!
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For starters, this email is very informal. There is not sort of personalization at all in it. Second, it's entirely too long. It just seems like a massive information dump and lost my interest almost immediately. The formatting of the email is pretty terrible too. I particularly like the end where he closes the email, and puts significant emphasis on the DATE and TIME you'd like to meet.
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Problems with the email:
"Subject line sucks"
No compelling event
Product dumping
Weak opening sentence
Format includes too many long blocks of texts.
Should only send attachments when necessary
The lack of corresponding voice mail makes it harder to establish a tone or rapport.
Makes no mention of a follow up